WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A CAREGIVER—AGAIN
ZIP YOUR LIP 2
As I continue to travel on this Caregiving Journey, people continue to say the exact wrong things to a Caregiver.
Some of the things said are insulting.
Some are insensitive.
And some of the words simply make me feel bad.
But all of the statements, questions and advice given are things that would have been better kept to oneself.
So, in an effort to “Tell the Others,” I have compiled a revised short-list of things not to say to Caregivers.
I want to help people who converse with Caregivers. I want to educate Friends and Family of Caregivers.
But mainly, I want to tell other Caregivers that it is ok to be upset, angry, and frustrated when people say insulting things. I want to let other Caregivers know that they are not overly sensitive when their feelings are hurt by capricious remarks. And most importantly, I want other Caregivers to know that they are not alone—people will continue to say the exact wrong thing at the right time to be more than annoying!
People have finally stopped saying, “Get some rest!” However, that statement has been replaced by…
“Self-care is so important for Caregivers.”
“Respite is needed.”
“What have you done for yourself today?”
People, people, people. If you are so concerned with my personal well-being, then offer true assistance. How can you assist in providing care to the Caregiver? Ask yourself that question, ask the Caregiver and then act accordingly. If that is not part of your plan, do not concern yourself with what I’ve done for myself lately.
And then, my new personal annoyance…
“Can your Sibling help?”
If the Caregiver has Siblings who are not actively front and center in Caregiving for the Parent, there are reasons. But to make a long story short, if the Sibling were Ready, Willing and Able to provide support, they would more than likely be visible. And the support they may be providing to their Caregiver Sibling may be invisible to you.
People also have the unmitigated gall to question my Caregiving…
“If I was taking care of my Mom, I would…”
“Are you sure that she needs all of those doctor appointments?”
“I’ve seen your Mother, she looks beautiful. She doesn’t need 24-hour care.”
Apparently in these people’s eyes, I am doing too much for my Mother and some of the things that I do are unnecessary. Seriously! Do you honestly think that I would have given up absolutely everything to dance attendance to my Mother’s whims? Perhaps you think that I am overreacting to my Mom’s physical, financial, emotional, and cognitive needs? OR…
Is it possible that the person making the comment is actually feeling guilty about the care they are not providing, could not provide or have yet had the opportunity to provide for their parents?
There has been some progress amongst the people who consistently ask,
“How’s your Mother?”
When I automatically respond, “My Mother is fine, she is well taken care of,” almost all of the people then say,
“I know, by you!”
That follow-up response is just the right amount of validation that I need. It also provides added acknowledgement that having a key response phrase such as, “My Mother is fine, she is well taken care of,” actually works.
Most of the people with whom I converse have learned what to say and not to say directly to me. And for that, I am grateful.
As a Caregiver, I have set boundaries on what I allow people to say to me. There are many things beyond my control in Caregiving; however, I can choose not to speak to some of the people who insist on saying the exact wrong things to a Caregiver.
When in conversation with a Caregiver, try not to be insulting, condescending, or insensitive—it only makes the Caregiver feel bad!
Please remember that the Caregiver carries a Conscience and it’s a heavy load.
CAREGIVER’S CONSCIENCE PODCAST – “WHAT NOT TO SAY TO THE CAREGIVER”
https://youtu.be/1HFPfF6HLbU?si=C6Sj93EP6AO50-Vs
“BAD WORDS SONG”
https://youtu.be/UQ4bT4tPPWk?si=yXrAcReko-wjyPEH
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