THE CAREGIVER IS NOT FINE
My Mother is fine; she is well taken care of.
She is fine but I am not!
She wakes up at a time of her choosing. That time is usually before the sun even thinks about shining. I never get any sleep.
She is well fed—eating at least 3 meals per day of her favorite foods. Meanwhile I am craving my favorite foods. Foods that she dislikes because she is satisfied eating a version of meat and potatoes over and over again. Me, I love potatoes, but I don’t believe that every meal must include meat.
I truly love to cook and enjoy creating new recipes. I have even figured out a way to do that while adhering to dietary restrictions which keep her healthy. However, I receive no appreciation for my efforts. None at all!
She doesn’t have to worry about grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, cleaning or any of my mundane tasks. On the other hand, all I do is worry about those things and more.
I worry that she is getting the best absolute care possible while I become a shadow of my former self.
My Mother schedules outings with friends, attends church and various senior group meetings. I try very hard but not always successfully to spend 2-3 hours on Fridays with my Cousin. But sometimes, even that time, is spent running errands to satisfy my Mother’s needs.
During those times when my Mom is otherwise occupied, I try to keep up with my own life—answer emails, return texts, work on my projects, write or attempt some kind of self-care. However, the first half of any time alone is spent simply realizing that I am alone and have a few precious moments to myself. And I usually don’t accomplish very much of my stuff.
My Mother has the advantage of thinking about whatever she likes—her favorite TV show, her so called friends, her preferred meals, her volunteer work, whatever books she is reading and her senior meetings. Me—not so much. 99% of my mind is occupied with thoughts of being my Mom’s Caregiver—all about her.
The changes which have occurred in my Mother’s life are all changes which she initiated. She is getting older. She ignored any and all health warnings and continued to live her life as she pleased despite multiple strokes. She did not have a plan for these years of her life. And all of her actions or non-actions have led her here—to a senior living complex where she is incapable of living alone. And now Caregiver is Me!
I was transitioning from major Marketing Executive to Writer. I was enjoying my life. And since I am single with no children, the only person I truly had to take care of was me. I had just begun to perfect the art of taking care of me when I reluctantly became my Mom’s Caregiver.
I didn’t have a choice.
My Mother has the advantage of basically cruising through a life that someone else—me—attends to. I neither have the time nor energy to participate in my own life.
My Mother is fine; she is well taken care of.
I am not.
JELLY ROLL – “I AM NOT OKAY”
https://youtu.be/Qop5XLgwkNc?si=J3YU9DCwqRU2JbFV
A CAREGIVER’S CONSCIENCE PODCAST – “NEARLY EVERYDAY”
https://youtu.be/vijxwaeGBV4?si=fwLo1BaxAdQbPsIK
A CAREGIVER’S CONSCIENCE BLOG
“I know that I can’t be the only one, who’s holding on for dear life. God knows that I know, when it’s all said and done, I’M NOT OKAY BUT IT’S ALL GONNA BE ALRIGHT!”