ABOUT MY BROTHER
Growing up, there were 3 of Us—2 Boys and a Girl. The Girl, that was me. We were very close as children. We were 1 inch apart in height (ok, not for a lot of years but); a year apart in age and both the youngest and the oldest could be a twin to the one in the middle. We had our own friends but if you knew one of us, you knew all three of us. And we each were our own best friends and confidants.
Now, there are only two of us. Our Brother died young. As John Derek says while playing Nick Romano in the 1949 Humphrey Bogart film “Knock on Any Door,
“Live fast, Die Young and Leave a good-looking corpse.” And so, he did.
My Brother and I are still each other’s forever friends. We see the world and most people through the same eyes. We share a love for Classic Movies and Literature, University of Michigan Sports, Columbo and Creativity.
However, we are also as unique and different as we are similar. He likes Andy the Sheriff in Mayberry, while I much prefer Ben Matlock the Atlanta attorney even though both characters are portrayed by Andy Griffith. He is always in a New York state of mind, and I Love LA! If forced to make a choice between one of us and another, there is no choice. And our bond cannot be broken by any outside force.
CAREGIVING IS AN OUTSIDE FORCE.
And I refuse to allow my Brother to become one of the CASUALTIES OF CAREGIVING
My Brother believes that he had a choice to not become our Mom’s Caregiver. Obviously, he did. I didn’t think I had a choice. He supports me in that choice.
Perhaps not in the manner others expect.
Perhaps not in the manner others believe that he should.
Perhaps not in the manner in which others believe that they would support their Sibling.
And even not in the way I sometimes wish that he would provide support.
However, other people’s comments about my Caregiving and my Brother’s lack of participation are NOT helpful.
Saying, “I think that your Brother should give you a break,” is not supportive. Do people not think that I would like for my Brother to give me a break?
Perhaps people think that I haven’t thought about it, wished that he would show up expectedly or unexpectedly, and begged him to come and take our Mother away.
Seriously what do people think?
I wonder what people think when they consistently ask about, comment on or criticize my Brother’s participation in Caregiving for our Mom.
But what I really need to know is…
Do people seriously think that constantly asking me when, why or if my Brother is going to give me a break is grounds for a positive conversation? It is not.
And further, I have heard these admonishments of my Brother from people who don’t even speak to their Sibling. I have heard comments from people who never had the opportunity to be a Caregiver to a parent. People have even compared my Brother’s participation to the care they “plan” to give their parent when the time comes.
Saying things like, “If it were my Mother, I would be there.”
That’s not true. The truth is that unless you have been in this Caregiving situation, you have no flipping idea what you would do. Those expressions are simply thoughts of what one would like to think they would do.
A time that may never come, I must mention. And when it does, one has absolutely no idea how or if they will rise to the Caregiving challenge.
I even spoke to a relative who had the unmitigated gall to criticize another’s Caregiving for a parent when he had the same opportunity to participate in that care but did NOT.
In over 75% of families with more than one child, statistics show that only one Sibling steps up to be the Family Caregiver.
Only one child steps up to give up their entire life.
Only one child steps up to provide the day-to-day assistance needed.
Only one child steps up and therefore is privy to the feelings, frustrations, resentments, worry and guilt of a Caregiver.
So, this is what I have to say to the individuals who feel the need to comment on the Siblings of a Caregiver.
MYFB—No, it’s not that. Ok, yes, it is. But really unless, or until you have been a Caregiver, you should not make comments about the Caregiver’s Sibling.
Because a Caregiver with a Sibling needs that Sibling and any support in the manner provided in order to survive Caregiving for their parent.
I’ve seen an example of this, not on TV, in real life. One brother (of 3) was their Mom’s primary Caregiver. He is single and his Mom lived in an apartment in his home. During his Caregiver years, he put his travels and life on hold while his Brother continued his International travels for his Career. Every now and then, he expressed his resentment. Their Mother lived until she was 101 years old—she was one of God’s favorites. And today, he accompanies his Brother on his World Tours. They always remained close before, during and now after the Caregiving years. He was a Caregiver, and such was the relationship with his Brother.
My relationship with my Brother is just that—my relationship with my Brother. And if I do express any feelings of frustration, resentment or anger toward my Sibling, please do my Caregiver’s Conscience a favor and simply LISTEN.
Because I will get through those feelings about my Brother and then…
And then, the first person I am going to call is my Brother.
About my Brother—Caregiving will not break our Sibling bond.
As my Mother used to tell us, “One day I (Mommy) will be gone, and you’ll only have each other.”
Caregiving is not forever, but about my Brother…
I ALWAYS WANTED A BROTHER – “MUFASA – THE LION KING”
https://youtu.be/LnqikN644lM?si=dz1alhLkjPU7QJob
A CAREGIVER’S CONSCIENCE PODCAST – “ONLY CHILD Remix”
https://youtu.be/0UdT6h34ZR8?si=QxteRnyxF2qHA9yy
A CAREGIVER’S CONCIENCE – THE BLOG
Today is our Brother’s Birthday!
&
This Story is a Tribute to Him
I didn’t mean to offend when I commented on your last posting. I too have a brother and he lives in California – I’ve commented several times before about how our caregiving journey mirror each other – and I get all kinds of supposedly “helpful” suggestions about what he could be doing. My brother and I are also very close. He is very helpful in ways that others don’t see or know about. No one really knows about a caregivers situation.
Anyway, I know better and should have chosen my words more carefully or better yet, not said anything. I get comments constantly and it really burns me to my core some days.
I apologize.
Apology not needed at all! You did not offend me, and this post was not in response to your prior comment. After all, I do know that you understand totally! Thank you for being there–it helps.
Well written. Feeling the family bond.
❤️❤️❤️