SADLY, NOT ANYMORE
“Sadly, not anymore,” is a phrase that comes up more and more in my life as a Caregiver.
It applies to my Mom when she consistently talks about the things that she used to do. She has delusions about her current state of affairs, and she sees herself and her abilities as she used to be. I am forced to navigate between being brutally honest and patiently negotiated with her. It’s not easy.
And so, when she refers to “jumping in the car and driving anywhere,” I simply reply, “Sadly, not anymore.” Mind you, my Mother has not driven in over 10 years and as for jumping…let’s just say that’s not happening.
However, more often than not, “sadly, not anymore,” describes me and my life. My life as I know it today, barely resembles my life before Caregiving.
The life of a mature adult who is single with no children differs entirely from the life of a Caregiver. Did I say mature adult—I meant in age if not always in actions.
I am used to doing what I want; when I want and with whomever I chose. That typically did not include groups of people who this country refers to as Seniors or the Elderly. Now I am surrounded by them! And older people have an irritating habit of including everyone in their memories and conversations.
I often find myself thinking and sometimes sternly saying, “No I don’t remember “so and so” since I wasn’t born when you were in High School.” Sometimes the person will continue the conversation asking if I ever see the old friend whom I don’t know and I just say, “Sadly not anymore.”
The days of my Mom producing Jazz Concerts and Cultural Events have long since passed. But every so often she will discuss bringing a well-known artist to town and submitting a proposal to the National Endowment for the Arts for funding. She no longer possesses the skills to even begin such an endeavor. And so, I listen to her ramble about things that don’t have a chance of happening and I think to myself, “Sadly, not anymore.”
My challenge is that in the past, I would have jumped in to offer my services and done all that I could to make sure that the Production went off without a hitch. But now, as her Caregiver, I don’t have the time, energy nor the inclination to offer my assistance.
I already spend all my days and entire nights making sure that she is fine and well taken care of. There is no time remaining to help her relive her glory days—sadly, not anymore.
Recently, I spoke to a good friend who is also away from Los Angeles taking care of her Family. We had an entire conversation where we could have uttered the words, “sadly, not anymore” at least a zillion times.
We remembered our good old days fondly and planned future days ahead as we encouraged each other noting that we will get our lives back!
In a past life—a not so distant past life today I would have…
I was just about to compose a list which would have ended with the words,
“Sadly, not anymore.”
And so, I decided to skip the list of misty water-colored memories and just do what I am always urging my Mom to do.
“Stop trying to keep up with you! The you, you are trying to be doesn’t actually exist in this Caregiver reality.”
She can longer “jump in the car and drive.”
And I can longer spend my days in the manner I would like, with the people I enjoy, with no thoughts of Caregiving.
Sadly, not anymore.
STEVIE RAY VAUGHN – “THE THINGS (THAT) I USED TO DO”
https://youtu.be/Xy38VCMn81I?si=nEqcf2nbgty4QF9k
A CAREGIVER’S CONSCIENCE BLOG – “GIVING UP 2 BE A CAREGIVER”
https://www.caregiversconscience.com/giving-up-2-be-a-caregiver/
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